I love to feed ducks the little kernels of corn and watch closely as I begin to see the best and the worst come out from the flock of ducks. Some seem humble and try , and fail- to scramble to the morsel before the others. Some are of the winner takes all attitude. And then there those who actually share with the others, these come few and far between. What becomes of the corn? Does anybody really care? For that moment of chance in time- it has become food for the duck. Maybe some kernels that have been left untouched on the earth by the flock will sprout into a plant if the best conditions are beheld for that to happen. It has been known to happen. Does the kernel struggle to know what it may become and toil itself to develop into what the fate of its future may be? Not at all , it’s a kernel of corn, in the hands of man. If conditions for the corn -water, light , and a place to grow exist- it will become a plant with many more kernels produced at harvest time. We tend to worry and wait, and strive so hard sometimes to develop into what we try to be. Myself , sometimes it seems like all I ever do is wait for something to happen, something to develop. We can provide all the conditions in the world for some things, but we are not in control of anything , really . When we choose to let go and allow what was meant to happen-to happen- with a little more peace like the kernel of corn, we cut short all that anticipation.

What the world tells you about yourself does not create a true view of who you really are. People are unpredictable, thrown by the wind, up and down by emotion and imperfect in every way. Thank God we do not gain our value , our worth and our integrity based on what people may think of us. People may try to mold you, manipulate you , control you , or on the other hand- affirm you, build you up, empower you or support you. Love seeks to give unconditionally, and support despite the odds.

Perceptions are sensory awareness that may be real or may be tainted by the conditions that people and life experiences may impose.  Good boundaries help us to set a safety zone around ourselves to keep the bad things out and to accept those good things in life that are OK to receive. Sometimes these distorted perceptions are responsible for an inability to set healthy boundaries against bad people, places, and things. Choose to accept what will affirm you, empower you and support you in your life goals. It’s never too late to stand up against those things that want to belittle, defame or tear you down.

There are those days when it just seems like there is a monkey on your back. Maybe there is no real reason why or maybe life has tossed you some rejection, pain, aggravation that sent that monkey feeling to you!!!! Whatever the situation, it is our only hope to search within our spirits and find the quiet , find the peace, life flies by so quickly and we make ourselves anxious about many things that will never , ever- really matter to us.

A field made golden by the afternoon sun spins a glow of light that brings peace to whoever happens by. Think of those things, when the monkey tries to jump on your back , think about what brings you peace and capture the quiet.

There are those who express assurance on which expectation will be based, a declaration that something either will or will not be done, given whatever faith or trust in the potential deliverer who made that promise. As abundant as the number of these roses are the promises that people make everyday to some other person, place of establishment or purpose. Our lives become so hopeful- that we are able to depend on the fulfillment of the many promises we hinge our lives on everyday. And so our plans are made. Without life- what would any promise matter? My favorite promise is “For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him -should not perish , but have everlasting life!!”John 3:16

Many adult survivors of sexual abuse go to their grave with their secret of sexual abuse. Most often because they are sure that people will not believe them, or that they will receive even more rejection than what they had carried on their shoulders all of their lives. The most unfortunate thing about it, is that too often this is very true. People who share disclosure about the sexual abuse that they endured, are often not believed , and more often than not ; they are told that they are liars and that they did not experience what they are sure that they did experience. Not only is this an overwhelming contradiction and very confusing reaction to the victim, it is the ultimate betrayal to the vulnerable heart of the victim who has come to a place of courage to finally admit what has happened to them. This disclosure brings the victim to a very difficult place and it becomes a very sensitive situation.What are the effects of sexual abuse for adults, there are both short term and long term effects, both of which include these concerns:

–Guilt, shame, and blame. You might feel guilty about not having been able to stop the abuse, or if your own body reacted to what was happening to you. It’s important for you to understand that it was the person that hurt you that should be held accountable -not you.

–Self-esteem. You may struggle with low-self-esteem, which can be a result of negative messages you received from your abuser(s), and from having your personal safety violated or ignored. Low self esteem can affect many different areas of your life such as relationships, your career, and even your health.

–Intimacy and relationships. It’s possible that your first experiences with sex came as a result of sexual abuse. As an adult intimacy can be a struggle at times. Some survivors experience flashbacks or painful memories when under similar pressing, embarrassing or other unsafe situations. This can be true even while engaging in situations that may be safe but have triggers  that bring a guise that there is a lack of safety.

–“This doesn’t change how I think of you.”Some survivors are concerned that sharing what happened will change the way other people see them, especially a parter. Reassure a survivor that surviving sexual violence doesn’t change the way you think or feel about them. Continued support is important once the sexual abuse has been disclosed.

HOW TO RESPOND TO A SURVIVOR

“I’m sorry this happened.” Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life. Phrases like:” This must be really tough for you, ” and , I’m so glad you are sharing this with me, ” help to communicate empathy.

“It’s not your fault.” Survivors may blame themselves , especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind them that they are not to blame for what happened to them.

“I believe you.”  It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed . Leave any “why” questions or investigations to the experts-your job is to support this person. Be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur-everyone responds differently. The best thing that you can do is believe them.

“You are not alone”.Remind the survivor that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story. Remind them that there are other people in their life who care and that there is help out there for them.

These facts (all rights to RAINN) and other very important pieces of information are available on the RAINN website: Rape, abuse, incest, National , Network. You were not to blame for what happened to you, and if you were the survivor of sexual abuse, there is no shame on you. Shame on those people who try to place shame on you and who are insensitive to your pain.