Many adult survivors of sexual abuse go to their grave with their secret of sexual abuse. Most often because they are sure that people will not believe them, or that they will receive even more rejection than what they had carried on their shoulders all of their lives. The most unfortunate thing about it, is that too often this is very true. People who share disclosure about the sexual abuse that they endured, are often not believed , and more often than not ; they are told that they are liars and that they did not experience what they are sure that they did experience. Not only is this an overwhelming contradiction and very confusing reaction to the victim, it is the ultimate betrayal to the vulnerable heart of the victim who has come to a place of courage to finally admit what has happened to them. This disclosure brings the victim to a very difficult place and it becomes a very sensitive situation.What are the effects of sexual abuse for adults, there are both short term and long term effects, both of which include these concerns:

–Guilt, shame, and blame. You might feel guilty about not having been able to stop the abuse, or if your own body reacted to what was happening to you. It’s important for you to understand that it was the person that hurt you that should be held accountable -not you.

–Self-esteem. You may struggle with low-self-esteem, which can be a result of negative messages you received from your abuser(s), and from having your personal safety violated or ignored. Low self esteem can affect many different areas of your life such as relationships, your career, and even your health.

–Intimacy and relationships. It’s possible that your first experiences with sex came as a result of sexual abuse. As an adult intimacy can be a struggle at times. Some survivors experience flashbacks or painful memories when under similar pressing, embarrassing or other unsafe situations. This can be true even while engaging in situations that may be safe but have triggers  that bring a guise that there is a lack of safety.

–“This doesn’t change how I think of you.”Some survivors are concerned that sharing what happened will change the way other people see them, especially a parter. Reassure a survivor that surviving sexual violence doesn’t change the way you think or feel about them. Continued support is important once the sexual abuse has been disclosed.

HOW TO RESPOND TO A SURVIVOR

“I’m sorry this happened.” Acknowledge that the experience has affected their life. Phrases like:” This must be really tough for you, ” and , I’m so glad you are sharing this with me, ” help to communicate empathy.

“It’s not your fault.” Survivors may blame themselves , especially if they know the perpetrator personally. Remind them that they are not to blame for what happened to them.

“I believe you.”  It can be extremely difficult for survivors to come forward and share their story. They may feel ashamed, concerned that they won’t be believed, or worried they’ll be blamed . Leave any “why” questions or investigations to the experts-your job is to support this person. Be careful not to interpret calmness as a sign that the event did not occur-everyone responds differently. The best thing that you can do is believe them.

“You are not alone”.Remind the survivor that you are there for them and willing to listen to their story. Remind them that there are other people in their life who care and that there is help out there for them.

These facts (all rights to RAINN) and other very important pieces of information are available on the RAINN website: Rape, abuse, incest, National , Network. You were not to blame for what happened to you, and if you were the survivor of sexual abuse, there is no shame on you. Shame on those people who try to place shame on you and who are insensitive to your pain.

The definition of the word “new” is: not existing before; made, introduced, or discovered recently or now for the first time, not previously used or owned , of recent origin or arrival, freshly or recently produced, may have already existed and had been seen, experienced, or acquired for the first time, different from the previous one, reviving another or others of the same kind. The list goes on!

This year, may you escape that which is old and non-productive in your lives and be brave to step into those thoughts, activities, mindsets and next steps that are different than the previous ones, those activities that will serve to revive you and bring “new” life to you. Oftentimes- guilt, shame and blame are not relative to you if you are secure in the way that you think and if you are able to set good boundaries against people , places and things that want to bring you down and destroy you. There is an old saying “hurt people like to hurt people”- so always consider the source of any disclaiming or degrading words. There is a great story that my pastor once told about “the crab in the bucket”. He went on to say that if you place many crabs in the bottom of a bucket, and sit to watch what comes next, the little crab that strives desperately to climb up the side of the bucket to make “it’s escape” from the prison it is in, will get only so far , then the crabs that are still in the bucket, will grab hold of the one escaping and pull the little crab right back into the bucket. Never to escape-this vicious cycle repeats itself, over and over again. That is what many people do year after year, and they never get out of that old bucket! No one can make you be or do anything unless you allow it to happen to you. Don’t be a crab, get out of the bucket ! Be accountable for your next steps and do not let anyone out there talk you out of moving forward and being revived!  A very happy new year to all!

I hope that you are all preparing to love on and enjoy your friends and family during this holiday season. Thanks to my wonderful son and his wife, my third book has been released it is called: The Girl Without Shoes . It can be purchased on Amazon Kindle for ebooks, also paperback is available on Amazon. It is also available on Barnes and Noble Nook, paperback is also there, and Apple ibooks, paperback will be available there as well. Keep watch of this website as my new book will also be featured on this website for purchase, after the book is added. For now anyone who may have been interested may purchase it from any of the sites named in this post. This would be a stocking stuffer for someone you may know . I pray that you all have a wonderful holiday and remember the reason for the season is the Son who God sent, who is love on this earth and embrace those around you with the love that Jesus gives to us everyday. Much love to all!!!!!Merry Christmas!

I have been on vacation in North Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, it has been an adventure here, with the flood waters, all the winds and tumultuous waves. Things are calmer now and we are beginning to enjoy the hot tub, pool and beach again. Believe me I am grateful that we did not get hit like towns only a few miles away did, we are blessed, safe and as I said very thankful!

I do miss New York, sometimes we have to make ourselves unwind and enjoy quiet , if only we can find quiet! Sometimes we find a quiet setting, and our minds clamor and will not allow us that peace and quiet that brings refreshing! When we hear those voices that try to take you back to your past or stress you out about your future, we have to say no to those voices and ground ourselves about where we are and embrace the peace when we have the opportunity to. This is Domestic Violence Awareness month and I speak peace to all of those victims who have heard it all, who have had monstrosities programmed into their identity , who have to search long and hard to find peace and quiet. You can also find peace and be free of that oppression someday! If you are already free from living in abuse-recognize those old thoughts that sometimes try to speak louder than our realities. Find peace in your mind, we have no real control over how other people act and live, but we do have control over what we will allow to cross into our own safety and rob us of our peace. Be thankful for all that you have been set free from today! If you are out there and still struggling to be free,  let God be your strength, your help, and focus on only what He says you are, not on what the world tells you that you are.

Today is always the start of something new. Some people get stuck in yesterday and it is hard to embrace and receive a new day. It would be great if we were able to greet each day as if yesterday had never come, and what do we really know about tomorrow? What if each day was a “today ” we would have so much freedom. Today, I’m alive , I have hope for things to be better, there is always room for better. Embrace the transition of each day. Transition presents to each of us what is unknown  , unknown things are sometimes scary . Even when we think that we know what is going to happen, we never really are sure what will happen each day. Let the transition for today begin. Hope always that this will be a better day! Let it be.